Bathroom Conversations

Today as I cried in the bathroom, I thought, “Why would He bring me here?” He could have had everything else happen to and for me and I am here. It isn’t the first time too. I sat there hoping to silence my tight sobs as I realized I’d been here before. And how being here made me want peace so badly.

I found myself asking, “You’ve made nice love stories for everyone except me.” Me whom you continue to elevate everywhere else except romance. You’ve taken sad stories and made them “awwww” worthy; you’ve taken people who have zero interest in you and given them “true love”, and still I am here. It is painful. It tests me. Why won’t you love me enough to give me clarity on what could be? Is this my lesson to be courageous and walk away or is this my lesson to trust you blindly and have you walk me through this? Or is this you simply drumming into my head that the imagery in my head and my plans are certainly, not aligned with what you have and that I must endure this. Maybe this is about my ego and my pride. Maybe this is about how much I have focused too hard on myself that my “self” must gain before I approve that this is what is best. Is this supposed to humble me?

I don’t know. But for whatever reason our meeting room has become the bathroom in my office, now that my heart is broken beyond repair and as it breaks yet again, I just can’t do it anymore.

The Last One

Do I love you? You ask this as if a woman who didn’t would be doing the crazy things I am. And you don’t see it. And I have accepted that the universe does this party trick called “right person wrong time”. Sadly at the end of this trick, there is no “ahhhh” or “aha!” just silence. Deafening silence. Or a bunch of whatsapp statuses trying to hurt you and a bunch of cuss words because proper words fail when your heart is breaking.

Do I love you? Do you hear my heart being skinned off of its flesh? No. No you don’t. Partially deaf? We’ll never know. Here is a picture: It sounds like breathless sobs being cut short by empty promises and being stabbed in the throat by lies and betrayal of trust. Communication is key huh? Yeah, so you drive the key into my chest- silence, your favourite language. I have not even the slightest of energy to make a loud cry. No point, when my tears fall shamefully into the palm of the man who seems to not see. Not see anything wrong with his actions.

Do I love you? You ask like I haven’t stood there and watched you do with her, all the things I wish you would with me. And stayed loyal to a fault. Now I wish I hadn’t. Now my loyalty, once a quality I was so proud of is the reason for my pain; my disappointment and my anger.

Do I love you? With everything said above, I have concluded that… I cannot give anything more. Whatever love is to you, pursue it. Maybe, maybe our definitions differ. While mine consists of openly communicating with clarity and honesty, yours is about carefully crafting things so much, you run out of the love component and hurt people instead.

Do I love you? After this? Maybe about time I keep something to myself. You might just be the best collection of poetry. And I’ll name it, “Things my daughter needs to know about men like you”.

It’s A Friday Night

do you ignore the pain you caused?

Or do you really want to apologize and let this go?

do you understand the flaws in the thing you ask of me?

Or do you sincerely mean all that you say?

You wounded me. Knife, bullets, fire, acid burns, and hits to the chest, one after another. You climbed into my heart, dove to the deepest trenches that were closed off, and then inflicted pain all in one shake. You left me to wither and to find healing in the blinding pain, the deafening darkness. I tore myself to shred trying to patch the bits of my heart that were bleeding out. It felt like lava. It burned. And I wondered how something that makes me, me, could burn me. But it was you. You burned me.

So do you really care for my feelings? Or are we going to solve your issues at the cost of my feelings; my wounds; my healing?

-yr

Lie to me

They lie to you and call you a pretty little girl.
They lie to you about your freedom.
Oh, but freedom I hear, is a state of mind.
Sad, it is a state of mind I cannot afford.

They hold you hostage by the needs they provide and point the gun of fear in your eye.
I’m neither friend, nor foe, I am but a great big show.
I am not afraid, nor am I unafraid, I just want to go.

I refuse freedom, even after they’d open the cage;
even though we all know, that cage door will never be released off its hinges.
I feel like the dark is calling me louder and louder and louder and its at its loudest​ today.
I just want to go.

In the dark is where they dance the best; the dark gives the best caress.

I feel like the dark has reached out to me, and I want to hold onto it too. 

The Death of Me

I have given in to the thought of death, the struggle is such a tease.I have given in.
I am attracted to the dark, like the moth to a flame. I have had enough, enough of this game.

My mind is now lame and my speech is mere mime, my thoughts aren’t worth a dime, after all this long long time.

I love you, life, but this is a ​one sided affair. I suggest you leave.

The dark is like gravity, my soul, falling from an apple tree. I have had enough, I’ve given in.

Will you choose life?

There are days that I’d rather not wake up to. And its funny because on other days, I wake up with life bursting from the seams. It’s the days when I’d rather be in bed all day that get to me. I have always made those days count- always.

Today I choose not to. Today I choose life. I choose life no matter how crazy it becomes, how crazy it gets. I choose life.

I choose to cry, and weep; to sweat and cuss; to love and laugh; to dance and sing tunelessly; to wake up half way around the world, and I choose to live.

There are some days that I know I will feel like I merely exist, but to Heavens! I’m alive and if to only smile will make difference in the life of the child next to me, then I have lived for the day. I choose life.

I choose life, for did Christ not say “I have come to give you life, life in all is fullness”? How do I honor that if I complain and whine and make the bad moments count?

Answer: To live in light and in the hopes and attempts that my life is constantly giving glory to my creator-the giver of life.

I choose life. I choose my purpose that I am walking towards in faith. I choose life and all the good things in it. I choose life and all its challenges. I choose to acknowledge to that there will be instances wherein I will trip and fall, and in it, is life.

I choose life and its challenges. I choose life and all its victories. I choose life.

Show Me the Ropes

And tonight the thought hit me harder than ever. After years of absence, I got cornered again.

They handed me the rope and told me to jump. I looked over and the darkness was inviting.

I reached over and I grabbed the rope. I climbed high enough to put my head through the noose and dared my self to kick the chair away. And I…. ​

I heard a voice whisper, “Exodus 14:14”

 

The Ghost of You

I hear in the wind, a whisper.
Its rise and its fall spells out my name.
I long for it to be the voice of you,
and I turn in the hopes to hold you.
But it is another rendition of the emptiness I already know. 

I feel your warmth in the air around me.
That’s as good as it gets and I want more.
Am I being selfish?
That I want more from your absence?
Your absence fills my chest; too tight and I want to cut it to breathe.
But I’m addicted to pain, the emptiness, the weeping and the constant dazing.

There are days I have conversations with you
and there are nights I’m so convinced I’m dreaming,
but I find myself holding onto you for life.
I breathe on your hair, and you squeeze my face with your yummy, tiny hands.
I see you, I swear I do ! 

Its the love that melted me, that was the same love that froze my love.
And I look to the shadows, to find the ghost of you…

Shine my light to light your shine

They thought they had me figured out; they thought they put out my light when they put me down.
It may have confused me and my light may have dimmed, but I did not lose myself nor did my light burn out.
I am here now, aren’t I?

There is a path ahead of me needing direction only I can give, and there is a journey that awaits me.

I will not dim my light because of the insecurities of others, but I will hope that my light can be one they can build on; one that gives them confidence to ‘let their own light shine’.

Marianne Williamson is so correct in her perspective of light, and I hope to honour that.
I am a mere speck of dust in this vast universe, but I’m a pretty awesome life changing trend setting speck of dust, I’ll say!

But what say you? Will you choose to light your path and help illuminate the path of another?

Shadows&Water

Journey With Me

“One day, my darling, one day. It might take longer than you expect, but be patient.
The lessons you’re bound to learn on the journey are important so you are ready and equipped to receive what is coming.

Every time you see a ‘failure’, that is the best place to learn and keep moving forward.

Many times we are stuck so that we may find another way, or so that we are kept away from possible harm.
Other times, so that we can get off our high horses and go back to the source. It mightn’t be all sunshine rainbows, but rain is just as important in growth, and the journey, much more fulfilling if we journey with an open and willing heart.

And one day darling, one at a time, or all at once, all that you have worked towards will unfold and you will be so happy you didn’t give up along the way. Just you wait, darling; just you pray.”

#yvidarlin