Is this worth holding onto?

While drifting away from discipline, I missed out on skills, knowledge and “art” she naturally possessed: An open home, respectable, no-play-up, teaching, counselling, protective, ways of being.

I am the opposite.

Total opposite.

An empath, yes, but one that struggles to be so giving and forgiving. Ideas and solutions build up inside me, but unlike her, I have no courage to share and teach. Anything that requires emotional connection has me making excuses.

I am gone.

I’ve missed out on so much. How? I spent the years for learning on hiding away, on “protecting” myself and being angry and bitter and unforgiving.  A child should never be those things, but I was. I held onto so much I should have let go. I carried baggage I should have sold; I should have traded; I should have left in the airport of life.

Sometimes I get triggered and I creep back into the dark spaces. They used to be my go-to. I am however, glad that those dark spaces are not my comfort places anymore. Maybe there has been growth? Maybe there has been awareness and forgiveness? I can’t put a name to it.

My point is, in any kind of interaction- be it permanent or a mere acquaintance- bitterness and anger only ever take away from you, never the person you are angry with or bitter towards. You lose. ALL THE. TIME. This is not to say that you should not feel these feelings. Your feelings are valid. And science says anger is a STRONG emotion. It is filled with passion. But how much time and energy you feed it can have adverse effects on you; on many spheres.

I missed out on the best years I could have learned from my mother. And now, here I am: awkward, unsure, spaghetti and unable to connect with people.

Where is your energy going?

Dear Darling Girl

Here are words I wish someone had said to
me when I was transitioning from child to
woman; here are a few words as you
transition; as you grow; as you explore the
world and create your own; as you set
standards, as you break glass ceilings; as
you grace the world with your gorgeous
hearts and your passionate spirit

To my darling girl,

I hope you woke up today with confidence
knowing that you are special, you are
amazing and this next lag of the journey is
going to be ok. Be confident, love yourself
enough to let it overflow and love others
just as much. Be patient with yourself, be
kind with yourself. You will stumble, that’s
inevitable, for when you are learning,
progressing, you must have a few setbacks
to test your level of perseverance, and give
you the spirit of endurance. So go ahead,
persevere. You are naturally inclined to be
victorious, so be victorious. You are
beautiful. To the heavens you are so
beautiful. Confidence is beautiful.
Intelligence is beautiful. Kindness is
beautiful. Optimism is beautiful.
Encouraging others is beautiful. Helping
people is beautiful. You, you my darling are
a manifestation of many wonderful
qualities that make you beautiful. Never
doubt that. You were created by God to
inspire, to grace this earth with the
goodness that is in you, to change this
world and move it with the kind of strength
and power that ONLY YOU possess- use it!
I hope you understand the importance of
good friendship. I hope good company is
yours- company that discusses positive
things, progress and tells you the truth.
Honesty is rare, be honest. Be loyal in your
circle of friends, and be loyal to your
principles. Be consistent in the little deeds
that enable your dreams. Forgive. Be good. If they don’t do good back, it is their loss, not yours. Forgive, I say again. How people react to your genuine kindness is a show of
their character, not yours. You do you. You
will hurt, people will hurt you and you will
hurt people. Be prepared to say sorry, and
be prepared to listen. And darling, dream.
Dream big and wide, and work smart and
work hard. You reap as much as you sow,
so sow wisely and sow good seeds. Be
prepared to be wrong. Be prepared to fail
and in all of this? Be prepared to learn.
Learn in the bus, on the street, in the
classroom, in conversations– be prepared
to learn in every single thing you
experience. Be prepared for criticism and
be prepared to be challenged. Know that
you will not win the favour of everyone,
and remain true and honest, still. Remain
calm, remain passionate. Be loud when you
see the need and approach softly when
necessary. Loud is not always right and soft
is not a show of weakness. Master this.
Laugh. Laugh that loud, earth shaking,
annoying laugh and as life tests you, take a
deep breath. Hold. And release- we don’t
control everything.

To my darling girl,

My amazing sister, daughter, friend, niece,
aunt; my crazy packet of sunshine and
spoonful of sugar; my lightning bolt and
thunder skies, my passionate red and soft,
pillowy green you are millenniums of
power packed into that gorgeous melanin
screaming to wake up and take on this
generation; you are truckloads of light and
skylines of fire, your is a spirit that this
world now requires. As they sit here in high
chairs and in bus seats and enquire about
the thing you bring to this table, you must
respond with strength and with divine
confidence; you must respond with a trip
down history and their own memories of
how you have been unstoppable before
and today you turn it up a notch. You are
inspiration to artists in every form of art
there is; you are born with a heart capable
of loving and caring and taking on every
mountain of challenge; you are born victorious and maker of the victorious. You
are born powerful. You are born with the
ability to harness strength and yet be the
soft place for very broken, bleeding,
wounded, hurt human being. When they
ask you what do you bring here? You say I
bring forth a force that grounds you and
still enable you to rise. I am your gravity
and still I am the magic that keeps you
afloat; you say I am the ocean engulfing all
your thoughts and all your art; I am the
sun, the rain, the lightning, the thunder; I
am the soil of the earth and water in the
stream; I am mountain mist and the ocean
breeze; I am the reason cyclones and great vessels are referred to as “her”. I bring to this table, the table and the meal, and the
drink. I bring to this table a menu that is
exotic yet nutritious. I am the passionate
one. The strong one. And even as my tears
burn my cheeks and rip my throat apart I
turn up. I show up and go tooth and nail
until I am done. My loss is a win because
every loss is a genuine reason to stand up,
get better, and a much needed vitamin for
me to stay delivering. What do I bring
here? Ask them, and respond with fire in
your eyes and earth in your soul: I bring
here, me. In all my differences, in all my
said weaknesses, in all my wins and losses-
I bring me.

Divinity wrote you into my story

because your dream is incomplete without

me, and mine, without you.

How about you see beyond the length of
my hair and the length of my skirt; see
beyond the quality of the cup of tea I stir
and look into the quality of my education,
my ideas and my need for security and
healthcare? How about we talk about this
great journey and the need for doors in all
these high walls? How about we celebrate
how far we have come and keep going until
our normal is fair?How about we raise
each other and our girls to be
unstoppable? How about we let girls be
born unscripted and let them write their
own stories, will you dare?

The Ghost of You

I hear in the wind, a whisper.
Its rise and its fall spells out my name.
I long for it to be the voice of you,
and I turn in the hopes to hold you.
But it is another rendition of the emptiness I already know. 

I feel your warmth in the air around me.
That’s as good as it gets and I want more.
Am I being selfish?
That I want more from your absence?
Your absence fills my chest; too tight and I want to cut it to breathe.
But I’m addicted to pain, the emptiness, the weeping and the constant dazing.

There are days I have conversations with you
and there are nights I’m so convinced I’m dreaming,
but I find myself holding onto you for life.
I breathe on your hair, and you squeeze my face with your yummy, tiny hands.
I see you, I swear I do ! 

Its the love that melted me, that was the same love that froze my love.
And I look to the shadows, to find the ghost of you…